Alas, poor Conan…

With a script by Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer and Marcus Nispel all set to direct it appears that the return of Conan to the big screen is all but a reality. Set to begin filming in February of next year in Bulgaria, news from the frontlines are not promising.

The current rumor is that Andrew McLaren has been tapped to play our favorite Cimmerian, but what little information that has leaked thus far bears next to no resemblance to the character as written by Robert E. Howard

It’s almost as if no one in Hollywood can be troubled to read Howard’s original tales. I mean, it’s all there right on the page.

I still hold out hope that they will do Howard justice. I’ve got to admit, I like McLaren for the role. I warmed up to him quickly, especially after his personal assurance to me that he’s tackling the source material. That’s all I can ask from him and his enthusiasm is contagious.

The true test will be whether or not the director and screenwriters are equally as thorough.

Here are the casting breakdowns, depressing as they are, that have been making their way around the Internet:

[ CONAN ] He’s in his 20s to early 30s, Caucasian, powerfully built, broad-shouldered, sun browned skin lined with scars. Piercing blue eyes and square-cut black mane, tall. He is a savage killer that has matured into the refinement his father tried to teach him when he was young. Conan is very smart, almost inhumanly strong, and very cunning. His entire life, from the moment of his birth, has been shaped by violence. Being the last of his tribe and having to watch his father die a cruel death, he is determined avenge his peoples slaughter by killing all those who led the attack on the Cimmerians, including the all-powerful Khalar Singh. He is prepared to die in order to accomplish his goal. What Conan did not expect, was to find a reason to live… LEAD

[ TAMARA ] She is 18 to 24 years old, Caucasian or Middle Eastern, open to all ethnicities; beautiful, studious, correct, a novitiate of a Greek influenced monastery. A master of martial arts, she has been trained to be the Queen’s servant, bodyguard and best friend. She and many other female bodyguards to the queen have been in hiding most of their lives because of the curse of Acheron, which would take the queen’s life to bring almost immortal power to its king. When Khalar Singh, a powerful warlord with ambitions to become the king of Acheron, storms the monastery and captures all of the novitiates, she is separated from Ilira, the one she must protect. With all of her strength and will, Tamara is determined to find and rescue her. She finds herself in league with Conan because of a mutual need to find Khalar Singh. She is not in the least intimidated by Conan’s size or grim demeanor and their alliance eventually blossoms into something that surprises them both… LEAD

[ KHALAR SINGH ] He’s in his 40s to 50s, Asian or Middle Eastern, Central Asian, Mongol, Turkish, or Persian, open to all ethnicities; commanding in size and manner, a warlord and formidable warrior, brilliant, cruel, weathered and tanned by the many campaigns he has waged and won. He is driven in his quest to find the Queen of Acheron and has been building an empire to do so. His goal is to find the Queen whose blood will bring life to the demonic minions of Acheron while making himself king of this hellish power. With this power, Khalar will protect his legacy against the onslaught of master sorcerer, Thoth-Amon so that his weak son, Fariq may rule after his death. While riding into a Cimmerian village to recruit his old comrade, Corin, his large collection of mercenaries slaughters them to the last soul when Corin refuses to join them. The village’s only survivor was young Conan. When Khalar’s search has finally narrowed to the likely discovery of the queen at a monastery of female monks, he also learns Conan is older and hungry for revenge… LEAD

[ CORIN ] He’s in his 30s to 40s, Caucasian, powerfully built, intelligent, graceful, master swordsman, skilled blacksmith, de facto leader of Cimmerians and Conan’s father. He resolves to answer the terrible request of his dying wife and cuts Conan out of her so she can see him. He then shoulders the burden of raising Conan, which proves to be daunting given the boy’s savage nature. Corin teaches his son the meaning of the sword: a hot blade must be cooled and tempered. When Khalar finally corners him and tortures him to death, he shows no regret nor pain, hiding his concern for his son’s safety from the eyes of the enemy. SUPPORTING

[ FARIQ ] He’s in his 20s to early 30s, Asian or Middle Eastern, open to all ethnicities, slight of frame, piercing eyes, cruel, determined to prove to his father that he can rule the world when the time comes. But he has the mentality of a proto-goth rocker, so ruling the world will prove elusive. However, Fariq makes up for his lack of battle skills with his deft understanding of sorcery and evil determination to find the real queen of Acheron. SUPPORTING

[ ILIRA ] She is 18 to 20 years old, Caucasian or Middle Eastern, beautiful, fun-loving, a novitiate of a Greek influenced monastery. She has been hidden away in a monastery since birth since she is the designated queen of Acheron. When Khalar Singh captures her among all of the other novitiates and start the process of killing them to find out which is the real queen, Ilira maintains her courage under unbelievably cruel circumstances. SUPPORTING

[ UKAFA ] He’s in his 30s-40, very dark-skinned African or African American, massively framed at six-foot-five, gold-toothed, hardened by a lifetime of war, a leader of Kushite Tribemen from the savannahs of Kush. Ukafa is Khalar Singh’s second in command, jealous that Singh’s son, Fariq, will one day be warlord. He obeys his leader but plots the overthrow of his son. He is a mighty warrior and unbeatable in battle until he comes face to face with Conan. LEAD

[ REMO ] He’s in his 30s, any ethnicity, thin, feral, misshapen, a mysterious warrior of dark magic who travels by shadow and surprises men with a quick death. He leads a band of tracking Shadow Scouts under Khalar Singh’s employ. He can be immensely fast and devious, his soul as twisted as his body. SUPPORTING

[ FASSIR ] He’s in his 50s, Middle Eastern, Asian, Caucasian, SUBMIT ALL ETHNICITIES, strict yet loving, learned and spiritual, an elder monk and leader of the monastery. He’s charged with the care and education of the queen, Ilira. SUPPORTING

[ LUCIUS ] He’s in his 30s, Caucasian, handsome, proud, haughty, lethal, a leader of a Legion of Aquilonian Mercenaries. While attacking Corin and Conan in close quarters, he is thrown into a fiery forge that disfigures him for life. His self-revulsion twists him to the point that years later he takes great pleasure in torturing prisoners. SUPPORTING

[ ONE-EYED THIEF (ONE-EYED PRISONER) ] Hes in his 20s to 30s, any ethnicity, wiry, a leader of thieves, who has had the bad luck to fall into Lucius grips and is being tortured by him. However, the tables are turned by Conan and this prisoner has his revenge. He later appears at Khor Khala City and offers aide to Conan as a way to pay his debt. SUPPORTING

[ ARTUS ] He’s in his 30s, tan and swarthy, almost Gypsy-like, handsome, charming, even dashing in a gruff way, a Zamoran pirate and good friend to Conan. They have shared many adventures together and trust each other with their lives. Artus is a master of the high seas with a fast and powerful ship. He shows his mastery in strategy and hand-to-hand combat during a fierce sea battle. SUPPORTING

[ CHEREN ] He’s in his 30s, any ethnicity, a blind archer with the mystical ability to strike down any enemy with his bow and arrow. He leads a large band of blind archers whose accuracy and cunning lends a powerful presence to Khalar’s army of mercenaries. SUPORTING

[ PICT ] He’s in his 30s, any ethnicity or dark-complexioned Caucasian (“pict” is Latin for “painted one”) the fourth in the band of Pict Savages. He survives Conan’s onslaught and beings Khalar Singh to where the Cimmerians camp. He is promised the heads of his enemies.

[ YOUNG CONAN ] Caucasian, tough and wiry, scary violent. At ten, he insists on joining the teenage boys entering their rites into becoming warriors. When four Picts cross his path and kill one of the boys, Conan unleashes a savagery that goes too far for a warrior. His father takes him aside and personally trains him. His father teaches him what makes a good sword but he has still much to learn what makes a good swordsman. When the Cimmerians are attacked by Khalar Singh and his mercenaries, Conan is the only survivor, the last of the Cimmerians. SUPPORTING

[ ISLENE ] She’s in her 20s, Caucasian, beautiful, courageous, Amazonian built, pregnant with her son, Conan. She is stabbed through the belly by an Aesir Raider. Her dying request to her husband, Corin, is to take the baby from her womb before she dies so that she can see him…

[ YOUNG FARIQ ] He’s ten years old, Asian or Middle Eastern, submit all ethnicities, Khalar Singh’s son, a sociopath in the making, one who has no qualms killing a wounded man with his own sword.

[ MARAUDER ] He’s in his 30s to 40s, Caucasian, massively built and brutal, a stone cold killer that takes relish in the killing of the pregnant Islene. His shield bears the emblem of Thoth-Amon. However, his arrogance is his downfall as she, in turn, kills him.

[ YOUNG ARTUS ] He’s 15 to 16 years old, Caucasian, Cimmerian, a tall muscular kid embarking on the initiation rite to become a warrior. He mocks the smaller Conan much to his regret. While on the trail, he tries to convince Conan to flee after wandering off the path into a dark pass littered with corpses hanging from trees. Young Conan saves him from the Khalar’s raid on Cimmeria. When given a chance to fight for his homeland, Artus flees to save himself.

[ THREE PICT SAVAGES ] In their late teens, early 20s, SUBMIT ALL ETHNICITIES, large, brutish, bearded, and wild. They are on a hunting party and come across some teenage Cimmerians heads to add to their collections. What they didn’t count on was the savagery of young Conan.

[ NARRATOR ] A storyteller’s voice of old, VOICEOVER ONLY

R.I.P. Donald M. Grant

Donald Metcalf Grant passed away Wednesday morning. He was was 82 years old. Born in Providence, Rhode Island in 1927 and a graduate of the University of Rhode Island in 1949, Grant’s interest in fantasy and science fiction started when he began reading the stories of Edgar Rice Burroughs at age 10.

Grant was involved in the founding of several science fiction and fantasy small press publishers, from Grant-Hadley Enterprises in 1945,  to The Buffalo Book Company in 1946, Grandon, Publishers in 1949 and Centaur Press in 1970.

His most enduring legacy was the founding of Donald M. Grant, Publisher, Inc. in 1964.

In the mid-70s Grant was instrumental in publishing some of the finest Robert E. Howard limited editions to date, and went on to produce impressive works by the likes of H.P. Lovecraft, Fritz Lieber, Karl Wagner, and Stephen King, among countless others.

Donald M. Grant was a champion of the genre and his shadow stretches long over the industry. He was a giant among men and his legend will not fade…

He will be missed.

Godspeed, Mr. Grant…

A Sorry Piece of Cosmic Irony

All fled–all done, so lift me on the pyre;
The feast is over, and the lamps expire.

~ Robert E. Howard’s suicide note
June 11, 1936

It is hard to describe precisely what made Mr. Howard’s stories stand out so sharply; but the real secret is that he himself was in every one of them, whether they were ostensibly commercial or not. He was greater than any profit-making policy he could adopt — for even when he outwardly made concessions to Mammon-guided editors and commercial critics he had an internal force and sincerity which broke through the surface and put the imprint of his personality on everything he wrote. Seldom if ever did he set down a lifeless stock character or situation and leave it as such. Before he concluded with it, it always took on some tinge of vitality and reality in spite of popular editorial policy — always drew something from his own experience and knowledge of life instead of from the sterile herbarium of dessicated pulpish standbys. Not only did he excel in pictures of strife and slaughter, but he was almost alone in his ability to create real emotions of spectral fear and dread suspense. No author — even in the humblest fields — can truly excel unless he takes his work very seriously; and Mr. Howard did just that, even in cases where he consciously thought he did not. That such a genuine artist should perish while hundreds of insincere hacks continue to concoct spurious ghosts and vampires and space-ships and occult detectives is indeed a sorry piece of cosmic irony.

~ Howard Phillips Lovecraft (1890 – 1937)

Solomon Kane is coming…

At long last, Solomon Kane comes to the silver screen in a film directed by Michael J. Bassett and starring James Purefoy as the title character.

“The movie tells the origins of Solomon Kane and is hoped to be the first of a trilogy of movies. When the story opens Kane is a mercenary of Queen Elizabeth I fighting in Africa, but after an encounter with a demon, The Reaper, he realizes he must seek redemption or have his soul damned to Hell. He returns to England and lives a life of peace, converting to puritanism, but soon the doings of an evil sorcerer upset his plans and he must take up arms again.”

From wikipedia: Solomon Kane is a fictional character created by the pulp-era writer Robert E. Howard. A 16th century Puritan, Solomon Kane is a somber-looking man who wanders the world with no apparent goal other than to vanquish evil in all its forms. His adventures, published mostly in the pulp magazine Weird Tales, often take him from Europe to the jungles of Africa and back.

Howard described him as a somber and gloomy man of pale face and cold eyes, all of it shadowed by a slouch hat. He is dressed entirely in black and his weaponry consists of a rapier, a dagger, and a couple of flintlock pistols. During one of his latter adventures his friend N’Longa, a black African shaman, gave him a juju staff that served as a protection against evil, but could easily be wielded as an effective weapon. It is revealed in another story, “The Footfalls Within,” that this is the mythical Staff of Solomon, a talisman older than the Earth and unimaginably powerful, much more so than even N’Longa knew. In the same adventure with N’Longa, Kane is seen using a musket as well.

Robert E. Howard’s Solomon Kane

28 October 2009

A thief… a reaver… a slayer…

“Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars–Nemedia, Ophir, Brythunia, Hyperborea, Zamora with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingaria with its chivalry, Koth that bordered on the pastoral lands of Shem, Stygia with its shadow-guarded tombs, Hyrkania whose riders wore steel and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom in the world was Aquilonia, reigning supreme in the dreaming west. Hither came Conan the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet.”

Robert E. Howard was a natural storyteller, conjuring up vivid and gripping tales that were larger than life. He created worlds, vast and consuming, while populating them with men hewed from iron… with great strength and indomitable wills… they were the stuff of legend, much like their creator.

Howard’s most popular creation was Conan of Cimmeria, a hard, battle-tested warrior born on a bloodsoaked battlefield in a barbaric land far removed from civilization. Conan’s adventures led him from one end of Howard’s Hyborian Age to the other, leaving a trail of slaughtered enemies in his wake. Conan was a force of nature, wild and untamed, but with a sharp mind, though a weakness for wine and women often led him astray.

Conan has seen his share of defeats, but his grim determination has always seen him rise above them, carrying him on to his next misadventure. Nowhere have these defeats been more prevalent than in Hollywood where they’ve produced two horrid films starring Arnold Swartzenegger, the disastrous Conan the Adventurer animated series, and the little said of Rolf Mueller’s live action series the better.

No one seems to get it. No one has had the balls to sit down and read the source material and get it right. Conan isn’t about snake worshiping flower children. He’s a fucking force of fucking nature and he cuts a path through the world with a singular motivation, to survive.

And now, Hollywood’s prepared to take another crack at him…

Enter Marcus Nispel.

Tapped by Nu Image/Millinniem Films to helm the relaunch of Conan, Nispel said he will blend his childhood imaginings of the character with the influence of the famous Conan illustrations by Frank Frazetta, and the influence of such viscerally violent period films as Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto.”

This will be Marcus Nispel’s largest undertaking, having previously directed remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th.

Do I have reservations? Of course, but there is a glimmer of hope. See, when a director coming onto the project mentions Frazetta, well, I get all warm and fuzzy, because, for me, Frazetta captured the fire and passion of the mighty Cimmerian. That’s a good place to start.

Now if I can just make a suggestion to Mr. Nispel, and to the screenwriters, Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer… read the god damn books. Red Nails. Hour of the Dragon. Queen of the Black Coast. I could go on and on…

Conan is as much a part of me as the blood that runs through my veins. I cut my teeth on Howard, having picked up one of the Ace paperbacks back in 1975 at the tender age of nine years old. First story I read was “A Witch Shall Be Born”. I dare them to make that movie, gods damn it.

Please, respect the source material. It’s all right there on the page. Capture that magic and you’ll become the stuff of legends too.